I told you I would drunk text you sometime........its that time.
I saw him at work today and he gave me a really awkward "I know what you do drunk" look...
He took out the lube and started calling it fuck fluid
When I came in she was screaming "boundaries!" at the cat because it was trying to eat her pizza rolls.
We had to leave the bar because you were trying to show the bartender your boobs for water.
I was preparing to do my walk of shame shirtless, but then I found my sweater, wallet and keys neatly piled under a tree in the park.
I cant believe you went home with her.. Your poor immune system and the shit you put it through.
I can't tell you details but at one point I had her pee strapped to my back in a ziploc
You made out with a guy who refers to his cock as "rafiki." Are you proud of yourself?
My sharpie cut off line was invaded last night. Where's my turtleneck?
Thanks for being the best husband and reassuring my fuck buddy that you're comfortable with my adultery. You da real MVP.
Just packed a snack to eat on the way to McDonald's. That stoned.
You seem like the type to go to a craft sale baked out of your mind. I like you.
I think the cashier at 7/11 might be planning an intervention for me.
I’m getting back at my ex and training my new boy toy how to properly satisfy a woman. I’m killing two birds with one dick.
Randomize
