Can I crash on your couch? I just came home to find my wife giving two guys blowjobs.
Two?
Two.
i threw up in over 4 different places last night. it was like a world tour
I could have mohawked her pubes.
We are allowed to think Jacob from Twilight is hot in 468 days!
I don't know what is sadder, the fact that you figured that out or the fact that I can't wait until then!!
so, is "hi, did i take your virginity six years ago and never call afterwards?" an appropriate greeting in a bar?
These 5 days benders will be the death of me. Just living and breathing is a struggle right now.
they were fucking between cars in the parking lot and everyone was cheering at them.
I am thinkingif I am doing snow Angels in your living room, I probably had too much to drink
just thought you should know it took me an hour and a half to make soup. I had to keep laying on my kitchen floor. being 21 is hard.
How was my weekend? I just blew my nose and a gram of coke fell out. My weekend was fantastic.
This is how baked we were last night. Our drinking game: We stare at each other; first one to laugh drinks.
He offered me a trade. He'll come sober to my parents 25th anniversary dinner if I let him tie me up for an hour.
Update. bondage is a lot harder than it looks.
Quote from doctor, "that is a VERY angry vagina".
I'm fucked.
HIS DICK IS SO AWESOME DUDE. 15/10 SURPRISE
He said they were his favorite shoes.. So I threw one down the sewer. Now he'll keep searching the house for the other one. Sweet silent revenge.
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