i never realize how drunk i am until i start using people as human stripper poles
Defrosting my mini wheats in the microwave was a bad choice
There comes a time in every girls life when she must use her boobs for good instead of evil.
Your pregnant arnt you
Theres just something about looking at pictures of your dick in church that doesn't feel right
I'm pretty sure you thought I could absorb alcohol through my dress
I heard you were walking home with taylor with your dress completely up and your ass exposed
Yeah, that sounds like my life.
We blazed in her bathtub. All 5 of us. Not easy bro
She's gone now. Left with the wind like a majestic leaf that just rides the invisible current to locations unknown. And dude, her friends were really hot.
Shit, my parents are coming over and I just realized that a grinder is not an acceptable paperweight
He told me he doesn't want to fuck anymore because he needs to focus on school. Either he grew a vagina or he's secretly gay, it has to be one of the two.
Just got a handjob from a 19 year old in front of the Parthenon. The Greek god of debauchery would be proud.
I literally walked into the toilet, looked at my reflection, said "alcohol" and went back to bed...
Commuter bitches be judging your sister and her bag fulla wine. It's a motherfucking ros�, bitch!
After fooling around at the hotel til dawn, I managed to feed her with my free buffet passes. Tastes like sweet victory.
Grandma had me open the boxes that were delivered today. She got a sex swing, I've settled on "You go girl" as my official reaction.
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