Good thing I took the morning after pill cuz I pretty much had packaged seamen in me like I was a squirrel saving it for later or something
When one is stoned and browsing online dating profiles all men sound like serial killers.
I'm pretty sure at any given moment you could wring out my liver and get a couple of shots of jäger.
I woke up this morning with a pop tart under my pillow with one bite eaten. Another pop tart was in the floor. No recollection whatsoever. I ate the one under my pillow for breakfast, though.
I got laid while wearing a shirt with a picture with my little brother deep throating a banana on it.
You might be at the point of severe desperation when you gotta hold the two pieces of your broken vibrator together just to get off.
"I'm looking more at his dick bulge." Never thought I'd hear those words come out of my boyfriend's mouth.
And the sky opened up and god said.... "WET T-SHIRT CONTEST!!!!"
When you left the bar, you did two cartwheels and a heel click and RAN ALL THE WAY HOME.
Best part about losing weight and not fitting into your pants any longer? They come off quick for chipotle emergencies.
I have alotted at least an hour for ugly crying.
I just want him to make us coffee. And whack off into the sunset
Threesomes are not as fun as you'd think. I left with a black eye and I'm not sure who's to blame.
he was like tryna hang and chat and I was like dude there's an iguana in this room
I need to take my iPad to the Apple store (when this is all over). Do I need to delete all my dick pics/videos or are they used to stumbling across that sort of thing?
Randomize
