Alli causes anal leakage. You can find someone to like you if you are fat but no one will like you if you poop yourself.
Boobs. All I remember is boobs.
I don't have any swimsuits that don't show off the weird handprint bruises on my hips. Do you have a onepiece I can borrow?
I ate cinnamon toast crunch. I'm officially out of the puke zone. Blackout drunk Friday. WHAT IS GOOD.
Feeling better?
I can stand long enough to do the dishes finally. Been trying that all day.
I just stood up and am wasted. I think I just admitted to my mom that I am trying to fuck everyone in New York because they're skinny and ethnically ambiguous. Meanwhile, happy hour isn't over yet.
Im on my period and I feel like I'm going to die. The only thing that can make this tolerable is for you to eat me out in the shower. Please. I'll do anything.
Thankfully US customs doesnt have a checkbox for bringing semen into the country because my hair would still be in CDC quarantine
Also, the greatest of ironies: I got shampoo confiscated by security while Corey managed to get pot through. MERICA!
Best case scenario: sex with hot bartender \nWorst case scenario: no sex and punched by tattooed guy that may or may not be said bartenders boyfriend.
10 shots in she's sitting on the floor using the open dishwasher door as a plate to eat her "life giving" pizza.
Putting a bow on your dick doesn't make it a real present
You cuddled up under the blanket because you said it smelled like Santa and vodka.
The salt made it so good this margarita is touching my soul. I swear I'm not high BUT I want elote in a cup with the insides of a shrimp taco. I think that would make my life complete.
Just got high with dad
Correction: more high. He's sharing gummy bears with me.
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