Are you dead
Yes
Oh man
Someone fed me too many chicken nuggets and sexed me too hard
Why did I call the Oregon Department of Transportation at 4:30 in the morning, and who did I talk to for three minutes?
I don't think you know how difficult it is to pee in poncho..
just drove past a church sign that said "jesus got 'er done" ... welcome to the south
The cops found weed in michael jacksons house today...it makes up for the child molesting, I like him more now.
All I did today at work was try to remember in vivid detail what your cock looks like.
you had a panic attack, pissed yourself, and started crying. you never go above the kiddie level of my lil bros schools haunted house ever again.
round 2?
EVER.
i woke up and the dog was eating spaghetti off my chest.
How do you say "get out of my apartment" in Spanish. No time to explain, just tell me.
Screw them and thier engaged asses. I've got liquor to drink and boys I don't know to make out with.
And I'd make him talk dirty to me. In Forrest Gump's voice.
Instead of a hangover my body just feels like shame
That is a hangover
I would prefer a headache
I just sneezed weed. Kinda wanna try to smoke it.
earned some solid air miles from the plan B I just bought. #silverlinings
She always used to joke about becoming a stripper. WHO'S FUNNY NOW?!
Randomize
