I almost hooked up with this girl last night. she had a tattoo of a cardinal next to her cooter. said it reminded her of her grandpa
she's naming her girl london marie
that kid will be born with a tramp stamp
once my pubes got caught on her snaggletooth it was all downhill from there
You guessed 7 of 8 bra sizes correctly. You're like a drunk rainman.
you were watching the nanny crying, saying I wish I was that thin eating twinkies. THAT DRUNK.
Drunk wheelbarrow races might make the top 10 list of dumb shit weve done. Especially considering all the broken glass around...
Totally forgot this... How weird was it when they were licking our faces
I had to do a class evaluation today & the girl beside me didn't fill in any bubbles she just wrote in huge letters RETIRE across the whole sheet
I just ate a can of beans for dinner so I can afford to go get a 5$ bottle of wine. I really did not think these choices would still be necessary at age 25.
I woke up this morning and the lid to the back of my toilet was missing. Dahfaq do I do with this shit?
YOU ARE SO GOD DAMN LOUD AND YOU'RE SHAKING THE GOD DAMN HOUSE. FUCKING STOP.
I was looking at our sex bingo and pretty much every single row or column has at least one kind of person that is harder to find than all the rest
We've made things harder for ourselves
The struggle will be part of the fun
Life goal: sit on his perfect beautiful David Archuleta-lookalike face
I got poked in the eye with a penis last night. How's your day?
Sorry I wasn't opportunistic about sucking your dick in an Uber last night
Randomize
