just survived the first fart of the relationship.
this homeless guy just told me to make a wish on his magic plastic spoon but said to be careful what i wish for...
absolutely not. he will always be that kid that threw up a ham and cheese sandwich in fourth grade to me.
I just saw the preacher from the church I grew up in while I was buying condoms at the drugstore... he remembered me.
She asked me to facebook all the girls I'd hooked up with. She started crying when I started my search with A.
If im paying 4grand for laser eye surgery, it better help with beer goggles cuz last night was pretty rough.
Goldfish can't live in a bowl filled with tequila, lesson learned.
You told me you loved me after I brushed your teeth with my index finger.
not much just sitting outside his bathroom door naked eating cheetoes. You?
You played a drinking game to fat people crying. It's a long climb to the moral high ground, why bother?
Having the sex-a-thon in the back yard led to some really odd tan lines.
Like handprints on my lower back...
Dear awkwardly drunk roommate, thanks for stuffing enough change in my clevage that I could afford a pepsi at work today. Sincerely awesome roommate that put up with your drunk ass
My mind just played a snippet of me asking to be a Joey and trying to climb into your apron pocket...
Haha. I have resting bitch face. He has I want y'all to die face. It's a subtle difference
It took me longer to finish the bottle of scotch we bought together on New Years than it did for her to meet a new guy and get engaged
Randomize
