I slept walked to the toilet and woke up pooping. Easily one of the most disorienting events of my life.
I have on cowboy boots and a ten gallon hat. I'd say I'm a little past tipsy
She was asian and in a relationship... my two weaknesses
Lauren she was gnawing on a dresser. Gnawing. On. A. Dresser.
Well, a cop just pulled up. This could go either way.
This escort grabbed my boyfriends ass and it became clear, he fucked pretty much anything he could find prior to dating me.
and then he publicly announced her herpes on facebook.
Oh and I guess I added our cab driver on Facebook. He has "liked" every single one of my beach pictures. Kill me now.
Seriously, I want to give you a plaque thanking you for your dedicated service to my vagina.
Took "drink until he's cute" to a whole new level last night...
When she asked why I felt bad I said that it may have had something to do with the gin and cold pizza I had for breakfast.... And then I reflected on what my life has become.
Stop calling dibs on everything with a vagina you jackass.
That should be the title of my autobiography.
My last 2 google image searches were 'a lot of pudding' followed by 'a generous portion of pudding'
i came outside and he was eating her out on my lawn. i refuse to pick up the dog shit in my yard so i hope he chose the spot wisely
I have no inclination to even want to think about what God's existential meltdown is going to be like. O.o
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