I'm surprised I didn't puke tonight
I just cleaned my sheets and decided to do a black light test. My headboard is a masterpiece.
words of advice: black light parties reveal cum stained clothing.
If I can't get a one-legged man to love me, what the hell chance do I have with a NORMAL guy???
He needs to realize that there's a big difference between "I love you" and "I love your dick"
I realized I'm gonna have to fit cheating on my gf, sleeping with my gf and having dinner with her parents all into one Sunday evening
Buying weed with grant money. God I love college. No other time are we presented with these opportunities.
I love THIS fish, the rest of the ocean can go fuck itself. I am ahab and he is my whale
I want everyone to love me, and THEN I will choose who gets to eat me out all the time.
Well pulled into the driveway, and there she was. Kinda like a Vegas version of the mint on a pillow
I'm trying to poop and took acid, this is going to end horrid or wonderful. Oh the amusement park, not the pooping.
he was definitely tindering while i gave him head
The cat's telling me to stop taking acid, and to start doing the lords work. I'm almost 99% sure he's talking about the dark lord.
THIS CAT'S GOING TO TURN INTO A SNAKE AND KILL ME! GET OVER HERE NOW! BRING YOUR WAND.
the bastard is cheating on me with some sleazy barista from Starbucks
That’s his wife they’re back together
You say potato, I say sleazy barista
I’m making a jello mold of my penis
Will it be as disappointing as your actual penis?
Randomize
