Really stoned
just sent my roommate on a cheese run
So I just found out that my mom and dad arent married
What? They have three kids?
Yep. And apparently I have a half brother. Happy Birthday to me
just took a shot of real whiskey... i forgot what it's like to drink liquor that costs more than twelve dollars.
oh my god, there is an imprint from the nuva ring in the christmas card my mom sent me. merry christmas.
I fed the cats at 7 am, made her eggs, gave her oral, and now I'm helping her clean and baking her brownies. Cosmos got nothing on me.
Nothing says walk of shame better than a onesie and a 12 pack of corona..
He looks like he'd be great Lego character.
So the bitch asked me if I wanted the name brand or the generic contraceptive. Does it look like I want to be generically pregnant?
I'm scared to see what happens if we keep winning like this. I don't think there enough livers for every one after the season is over.
I was the girl at the bar last night passing out free condoms and making sure everyone knew how to use them to keep the population down
"Little drunk?" Honey you were "livetweeting" Sublime's "Sublime" album while it was playing in his car, and at one point you said you hoped they play Santeria. "Little drunk" doesn't cover it.
I can't believe I came last night staring into my profile pictures eyes.
Maybe she'll change her mind but the "go fuck yourself" doesn't seem promising
You'll be like the drunk Paul Bunyan someday with a giant grey cat
I know right. I don't even want to have sex today. I did anyway but that's besides the point.
Randomize
