maybe you should take the dick out of your mouth before you start talking.
i did. i'm using it as a microphone.
Now that the fun of having an iPhone has worn off I find that using screen as a coke tray is by far my favorite app
He confessed to putting dry erase marker dots on my vibrator to keep track of when I "electronically cheated" and then passed out.
You have permanently scared my back with your nails. I would like to congratulate you on a job well done.
I got my project done and a booty call in all before 1am. I'm a professional college kid.
But life is now good. Well, not good, good would be not wearing the penis hat with the extended family of the boy I just cheated on, but as good as it's going to get today
Do you have any idea how horrifying it is to hear your sister and her husband fucking then immediately go down stairs only to hear your parents fucking....... I wish I was Hellen Keller right now.
I have 39 hot sauces from Chipotle
It's like earning obesity badges
Just dodged a state trooper, your weed will be there shortly. Fear the unbustable!
I slept through 4/20 and my roommates bought an entire ham that's just sitting in the fridge...
Easy Mac and you are the sexiest things in my life
He is getting no nudes from me. I don't even care if I'm losing his legal advice.
Adulthood is punching a guy in the face when you find out he's trying to fuck you and he's married instead of fucking him regardless and believing anything he says
We fucked while The Odyssey played in the background. Homer would be proud.
Let me know if you need some dick this weekend.
Between the BF being in town, partying at the Side Dick’s house tonight and two Tinder dates tomorrow I’ve got dick to spare!!
Randomize
