i just woke up naked on my porch, holding the neighbors cat in my arms.
Fun fact of the day the average american will consume 13248 beers in their lifetime.
So for us it's double that?
Precisely.
just used a caramelizing gun to spark a bowl, i don't think today could get much better than this.
How do you tell if you're on the terrorist watch list?
they hired a photographer to take a family portrait for grandmas bday gift. we just hired a male stripper. we are def the better grandkids.
Just had to explain to a senior manager why I had duct tape residue on my wrist and hand. This weekend was a success.
I cant talk about it right now or let you guess, but its something you and i would do. Kinda like that time we had the case of beer and went bowling
You hooked up with minors in a golf cart?
Well I turned her sobriety into my own personal drinking game
seriously considering responding to a craigslist ad for a lesbian cunninlingus instructor...at this point i'm so desperate for a job that i'm willing to switch teams.
It's just my hair. It brings natural happiness. Like goldfish, big boobs, and milkshakes.
The cop asked you if you had been drinking and you said you drank milk out of a cow.
I rememeber. I showed him the picture on my phone of me drinking out of the utter, right?
We were coming but I found wine on my way out the door.
HIS NAME IN MY PHONE IS JOSHUA DREAMCHASER I CAN NOT
NO SHAME NOVEMBER
All I did was call him a fucker when he took my pot. He didn't have to arrest me.
Excuse you? I'm an asshole at least 90% of the time. Get it right.
Randomize
