I just barfed on his mom.
You told him you were too drunk to meet his parents. Totally his fault.
I just used my thong as a hair tie. I think I reached my limit.
He told me since I'm into organics I should know his meat is known locally for its quality and hes hand raised it since age 13.
first one here with a pint of chicken lo mein, aspirin, and diet green tea ginger ale, gets a full effort bj the day after tomorrow.
I may have just flashed my roommate as he walked in while my towel was falling. Now he knows what an American sized penis looks like I suppose
We tried to make ramen in a glass bowl on the stove. They called facilities to pick the glass out of the door
Just thought you should know, Im with josh now. Im no longer available for rent. I have a full time tenant now. Like, a year long lease at least.
You know you're hung-over when you're smoking and have the strong urge to eat the cigarette. No more buckets of gin. No. More. Ever.
I swear to god little potato creatures live inside Belvedere bottles and claw at your throat as you swallow shots.
I'm not sure what step "make amends" is, but my phone is on
There was a trampoline and tequila. It was glorious.
I love how four vibrators are within reach of me right now, but not a single hair brush or comb
She fell off the bed and giggled until she passed out naked. It was really weird.
Probably not gonna date her.
i'm not so sure everythign we did last night was legal...
Ugh I realized he only responds to my snaps when I’m eating a popsicle
Why are male brains so small?
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