I woke up face first on my living room floor arms outstretched toward the christmas tree
That's the last time I try to be adventurous at a gas station
woman puking in liquor store parking lot at 9:30 on a tuesday morning = best commute ever.
He had Jail Releases phone number programed into speed dial on his phone.
normally i wouldnt have blown him but he was on dawsons creek.. i love dawsons creek.
i jus dunped the rest of my drink down the sink and tool my bra off. pretty sure this is the best decision for everybody.
Well sundance is in town and Im going to use my one and only shot to bang Taylor swift... Does it count as a random if shes famous?
Tried to make out with a statue, turns out it was a person.
I cannot believe this. A potential 2016 Olympiad wants my vag. To which I respond "GO FOR THE GOLD"
you have to be that girl in the audience holding up the sign that says i fucked the shit out of you
I tried to find the bar, ended up at a car dealership. Then the alarms went off.
The strip club incident sums up our friendship pretty well
I saw it and almost just was like "Ice breaker: your penis is massive" but I didn't.
for real. if he messaged me that i'd have made his penis cower in a corner.
Just discovered evidence of drunken eBay bid. Drunk Mike did pretty good -- I'm getting a new sleeping bag.
Idk if my headache is from the alcohol, the pot brownies, or being dragged down 8 flights of stairs by my ankles because i passed out in the 12th floor girls bathroom by you. Probably a combo of all three.
Randomize
