I hate ducks.
What?
they're sketch. like squirrels. squirrels are sketch as fuck.
fighting downstairs. join me tonight to hear their makeup sex. also, let's make skittles vodka.
I think im in love with that girl with the googlie eyes last night. She was looking in my eyes and at my dick at the same time. we are going out again tonight.
i just got the best bj of my life in the pastors office at church.. Youre right jesus really does love me.
I learned an important lesson this weekend.... I'm way to good at sex to travel for it. From now on he drives here...
I miss vodka workout Fridays
The highlight of my night was definitely explaining the bandaid on my nipple.
I think it got a little awkward for her when my dad walked in on us and did nothing except leave half of his pizza on the table for us.
I found a half composed text to you this morning and all it said was HELP M. Is that how I ended up at the bottom of the stairwell in only a tee-shirt and one heel?
considering I never received the text I would go with 'yes'.
Now in just stoned listening to my dads philosophical idea about public transit
My girlfriend is talking to my ex-boyfriend at the bar right now. I REPEAT, GIRLFRIEND IS TALKING TO EX BOYFRIEND RIGHT NOW. GET ME THE FUCK OUT OF THIS PLAACE
What, so now you are his nutritionist and his fuck buddy?
And somehow i feel like your expectations will turn out to be illegal in some way.
the wedding party just walked in to the song eye of the tiger. i'm getting drunk.
I woke up thinking it was Friday. I was disappointed (to say the least). I am pretty sure I have gained the quarantine fifteen (but I won’t know until I try to put something other than elastic-waisted shorts on). And I am probably going to need dentures because I am grinding my teeth so much. But hey--this is temporary, right?
Randomize
