i just made an omelette with the cheese and ham from a lunchables. and ketchup packets
julia child would be proud.
i prefer some hard alcohol, but wine makes me feel less of a progressive alcoholic
I took your shirt off for you after you threw up on yourself, read you the ugly duckling, and then tucked you in. you better fucking love me, jackass.
Sorry about your blender, your tiolet, your weed, and your dog...
I'm eager to hear this explaination.
No I'm done finals, but I'm not coming home until these hickeys are gone.
Oh my god. My pre-date bowl for nerves tuned into "I'm too high for this date" he kept talking about trucks and I couldn't stop making racial slurs.
There are parrots here and they're headbanging to the music. There's also a clown and a pit bull that can jump onto tables. Too high for this shit.
It's 1 AM and there's a guy outside my house belting out Bennie and The Jets. He stops in between verses to puke. I'm joining him.
Im tired as fuck but i cant leave him here like this i gave him the acid and i feel the responsibillity to put his mind back together its fun im an architect about to about to construct a whole new belief and moral system inside this soul. Talk about the best psychothearpy
How could you give up sex for lent? I gave up religion for lent years ago and never looked back. Or give up civility, not sex.
All I want is to send a text that says "i slept with someone while wearing nothing but purple argyle socks this weekend." But the only person i would send that to is you. But you already know. Because they were your socks.
He was literally going down on me and giving me a foot rub AT THE SAME TIME. What more can I ask for?
Only time and a comprehensive case study of all of your relationships will tell.
as I was leaving in the morning with his clothes on his roommate pops up and goes 'don't you dare steal that shirt, i gave it to him for his birthday'.
This is the most exciting thing since movie theater hand jobs
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