dude, im still at the bar with two chics... one has a moustache ill save that one for you... be home in 20min..
so all night Ive been that girl with her tits out @ the bar. I mean I dropped jaws, yo. But in a classy way.
You kept buying everyone Washington apple shots, and telling us we needed to support local produce.
things I have learned from cosmo today- 40% of guys are uncircumsized, you can have a beer facial, and i really need to get tested for std's
well if I unknowingly shoved my hand up someones ass, I'm glad it was yours
andd if someone unknowingly shoved their hand up my ass without me knowing, im glad it was you
hey, sorry about all the butter. I thought it was gonna help.
Well no need to be a stranger, even if you aren't interested in joining my bisexual polygamist marriage. New city, new friends.
If you already knew specifically that I was smoking a bowl in my remodeled bathroom AND THEN still wanted to initiate sexting, please proceed to the altar and marry me this instant.
Mom just sent me an email. The subject line is "How to avoid a urinary tract infection"
LET IT GO MOM
I SWEAR TO ALL THAT IS HOLY I HAVE NEVER WIPED MY GENITALIA ON ANY TYPE OF EMERGENCY RESPONSE VEHICLE!!
Can we do lunch at 3? I have a blowjob scheduled for 2.
You schedule blowjobs?
In other news, I tore a tendon in my hand from giving my boyfriend handjobs so that's how my day is going
I'm actually glad the whole thing's over now. It's exhausting to fake a pregnancy.
Imagine not having to fake it.
Yeah, I should never have kids, probably.
Sexting just isn't as much fun once you learn how bad he is in bed...
I'm about to take plan-b with a glass of wine and ramen noodles. I cannot decide who will hurt more...my vagina, my kidneys or my pride.
Randomize
