I got drunk and threw up on a kid at the amusement park. I think they're pressing charges.
I cut holes in my blanket and put my arms through it. It's the sleeveless "Bro Edition" Snuggie.
I need to stop drinking. Side note- we have a party bus tonight. So the drinking will have to end after that
I mean, I'm not looking for prince charming. I'm looking for the glass slipper of dicks.
Hey can we break in your window? We need to borrow the dog.
I would've hung out with you if I had the capacity to do anything besides fall over and pee on things
Im about to smoke a huge bowl. My penis is so happy. Who needs girls.
God loves me. So high, craving Jimmy Johns chips, looked down, unopened bag in front of me. Still doesn't feel real
I don't understand why you aren't on this trip all I do is smoke weed drink beer and get fingered
We're living together and you don't know if I've seen Titanic?!
Listen, unless you want to spend your birthday in a trunk, you better invite me
I'm not sure what exactly you were planning, but you kept yelling that we were going to need a lot of midgets and a lawyer.
i swear i was one second from getting his number and then the shrooms kicked in
we had to invent a new word for how drunk I was last night
it's a shower with the lights off kind of day
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