I look like a herd of wild horses chewed on my back. If you bite me again while taking me from behind, I'm going to have to cut you off.
i wanna meet her so much more now that I know she got toed in a hottub.
Bible prof is the guy I made out with at the gay bar on the fourth. He doesn't remember.
We didnt even know he was in the house until he came downstairs and asked why he was wet
I awoke this morning alone and naked in my bed I forecast my date later not going so well because I have three giant hickies on my neck there is a note next to my bed that looks a 3rd grader wrote it on my college acceptance letter
He started screaming when he saw my dog. He thought it was a polar bear
So, the officer that worked my wreck, I'm rockin his world tonight. He saw me high on morphine in the ER. So he knows my level of crazy. Think he'll agree to wear his gun?
So many things can go wrong tonight.
So last night took an interesting turn.. Never thought I'd say I had to pick up my glasses off the floor of a strip club
After we banged he volunteered to ducksit while I went to work. I think that's true love.
I just found weed in my bra #magicboobs2k16
There is a french fry attached to my steering wheel and a note that says "eat me yum yum" can you explain this?
hotelroom bed is big enough to masturbate in, but small enough to not want to sleep in it after you've masturbated in it
when i woke up w mysterious sticky crap in my hair, i assumed i had another blackout hookup. nope. turns out i made PBJ and proceeded to pass out in it. i ate the evidence when i woke up.
Dude we were sitting at my place stoned as fuk then someone knocks on the door and it was my neighbor giving me a huge box of cookie dough. Magic of weed.
I used to want you to marry him...Now I just think you deserve a bigger penis than that.
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