I can't remember if we talked about feelings. Fuck you Miller High Life.
I sometimes wonder how many of the girls I know have done anal...and why none of them have ever dated me.
neither the pictures you took nor my hangover explain why there are skittles in my shoe
I'm taking last night back. It officially didn't happen. Tell your friends.
and my souvenir for the night was a nice ambulance blanket
I'll sleep on the bed... The couch is now designated banging area. Any banging performed outside of that area will be subject to fines of cleaning up stains.
there are people swimming in the fountain next to the library... hello senior week
Smuggling a beer bottle full of vodka out of the bar with a tampon as a plug for the top of the bottle wasn't one of my classiest ideas... but your hangover proves it was resourceful and effective. Your welcome.
Tell me why I woke up spooning a hamburger like it was a teddy bear.
I just need a text that says "put that food down bitch" and then maybe I'll lose water weight through tears
I'm bringing cupcakes to work today as an apology for my actions at the bar last night, my boss probably can't look at me the same ever again
She has "Massive Shits" listed as a turn off. That's very specific and there's a story behind it I bet.
Sweet, got a date tomorrow night
Everybody needs breakup sex. You just happened to get yours from a dude who hasn't reached the point of breakup yet. No biggie.
You need a new phone. When you talk it sounds like the teacher from Peanuts while she's trying to give a blowjob.
just passed a kid drinking a beer at 2pm. clearly it's the last day of break.
Randomize
