if i were to get pulled over right now, the only thing i would be guilty of is listening to 90's Mariah Carey
i really wanted you to get laid last night and i didnt think you were going to. so i posted porn on your facebook.it made sense at 3am
I wish I loved anything like you love Tequila.
I'm glad my gym is open 24 hours..I stopped in on my way home to puke from the bar
My own mom unfriended me on Facebook.
Just saw the hottest 4 garbage men ever. They should make a calendar
I've banged too many servicemen's wives to still be considered an American.
Wednesday. Otherwise known, to you at least, as "there are two gay men in my bed" day.
she had that "i just got used" look on her face when i kicked her out at 5am
I think I should just accept my destiny that I'm going to be someone's second wife
My tits sealed my fate
It's basically the same plan, only step one gets revised to "look hot enough that he forgets I fucked his roommate"
He walked into the pizza shop... Pulled the fire alarm.. And proceeded to dance to it...
I think I need to expose myself to your dog so he knows that I am also a male.
...and that is the first time I've ever wished fewer naked women on someone I like.
He asked me how many starwars references he could make before i no longer find him attractive.
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