Sorry, I have to go home and feed my nepotisms
Sorry, I can't talk, there's a herd of nepotisms headed my way
I've never had a man I enjoyed more than steak
Turns out I'm a social drinker... I just happen to be REALLY social.
textsfromlastnight.com keeps rejecting me
that alone proves you never get laid, nor have a life.. or have anything funny to contribute to the world.
the head trauma was worth the blowjob.
Too high to move please buy hi-c and pour it in my mouth in exchange I will marry your first born child
ur not supposed to find someone to make out with when ur bf takes u to his SISTERS house to hang out with her and her husband
did you really just send me an instagramed dick pic?
It's time for everyone's favorite Wednesday night game... WHEEL OF. VODKA!!!!!
Who was the girl that woke me up at 4am to tell me "there's an emergency, we need you to come smoke weed"
my hand froze to the top of can of beer cuz i fell asleep outside. i decided to find a way to open the bottom of the can before addressing my severe frostbite. PRIORITIES!
This is the Taco Bell dump we've all been waiting for.
Vibrator fell off the top of the dresser and hit me. This might be the most embarrassing black eye incident ever
PS I almost downloaded grindr to see if any guys wanted to buy me chinese food..
Have a booty call at 3am, stopped for tacos at 2:30. It's 2:55 and I still haven't ordered but can't jump the curb to get out of line because there is a cop in front of me. What am I doing with my life?
Randomize
