a man that wears gold spandex underwear and party boys other people is a man after my own heart.
Since when is my name a synonym for head?
I wish there was a hungover fairy to brush my teeth and bring me a diet coke.
When she showed me how she could touch her toes without bending her knees, suddenly her face didn't worry me quite as much.
I feel the need to point out that one of the items on my to-do list for the day is "don't throw up" I have no concept of normal
I know I said I wouldn't, but he told me I looked like Mila Kunis. Reasons not to fuck him, go.
OK WHO CHANGED MY RING TONE TO LADY AND THE TRAMP AND CHANGED EVERY CONTACT IN MY PHONE TO 'SOME GUY I FUCKED'?
Well its kinda hard to gift wrap an orgasm
Dick in a box?
I had to smuggle a street sign attached to a 14ft long pole out of my house this morning. The list of reasons for me not to drink just keeps getting longer.
Dude what the fuck...
Im officially canceling McCormick Monday. I got a raise.
Sooo grey goose Tuesday?????
"What's your dick like homie" is not really an acceptable thing to say out loud
So i came so hard i almost passed out, where has this vibrator been all my life?
Thanks for being my best friend so I can use you as an alibi to my family while I'm out getting some dick in my face.
But like, I don't remember getting hit with the door... I just come out from peeing and there was blood running down my face.
Let the clothes fall where they may.
Randomize
