Who knew there were guys that wanted to only stalk you instead of date you? Count on me to find them!
You guys sftrill at mcdondalds?!!!!
Yes.
fuckin bring me a cheseburgeria
I just put out an orange level terrorist threat on her punani
There are a bunch of guys at the door looking for the guy you brought back to the condo...pretended not to speak English. You're welcome.
I do wanna see you. And we can just lay here and watch a movie and listen to me cry.
You know you have crossed to the dark side of marriage when a nap is more important than jacking off
he just sat there, in the doorway of my dorm room, chuggin a fifth like nobodys buisness.. don't know whether to fuck him or be afraid of his confidence
Well, after emptying the contents of my stomach into a fucking rose bush, the only things moving through my digestive system are pills, coffee, and my own lip gloss. If that gives you any idea what kind of a day I'm having.
It's always nice when a total stranger hates your ex just as much as you think they should.
I got her number but I don't think I'll be able to smash, I was pretending to be British AND I forgot her name
Never let your siblings swipe right.
Okay penises are actually pretty exciting. The people attached to them are an entirely different story
He walked upstairs in nothing but his boxers and drunkenly asked my brother for a condom....so much for a good first impression.
we were waffle house and a lady told me her imaginary friend was sitting in the chair next to her. i don't feel so trashy now.
also, when i showed up he started talking to me and eventually asked me if the girls treated me well. i went on to talk about my sex life. he was talking about his secretaries.
Randomize
