I wanna put my baby in that!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Ew you even made it your fb status
Ppl probably think ur having a kid
I hope
Love having children with random chicks
Just had to reach into my sister's bag and shut off her vibrator so my parents wouldn't hear it. I am the world's greatest brother.
well i did feel guilty about it. until i saw how hot the guy was the next day. now, nothing but pride.
i just heard Winston Churchill in auto-tune. thank you nerds.
I'm a 23 year old virgin. I've masturbated in ways you can't even imagine.
Yeah, well I just made $600 while taking a shut cause two diff clients called while I was in here. Tell me being a lawyer doesn't kick ass.
It might've been him telling me last night that he "doesn't even need beer goggles to fuck me." When I thought that was sweet, I realized something needed to change.
Things my liver can't take in one weekend. Surprise nights off at work and male strippers. Woke up jaundiced.
Also, if asking a guy to come over and watch curling with you doesn't scream let's fuck then idk what does
lesson learned. Never drop acid before a trip to the aquarium. Sounds awesome, is actually terrifying.
man my uterus needs to drop the egg or GTFO, BUUUSHIT
We set around a table in a hotel room and he spoon fed Molly to everyone there... I felt sketch for sec but then... Oh well.
I went to Walmart last night to buy some CDs--which is a sentence I never thought I'd say in 2016.
Who the fuck hid 3 Zimas under my pillow?! Icing doesn't count when it's 8am the next morning and everyone's left and you've passed out on your couch. Currently chugging 2 of 3...
I am now gainfully employed. Parents, lock up your children.
Yay! Welcome to the world of "you're seriously trusting me with your kid?"
Randomize
