Drunk in a bar in Texas. The 24 y/o hottie I am chatting up just called me a male cougar. I am dealing with this whole turning 40 thing juuuust fine.
but why does your life always sound like the plot of a porn?
Banging your ex-girlfriends best friend 3 days after you break up is like saying "fuck you" with feeling. I wouldnt have it any other way.
So this snow storm is NOT helpin my masturbation problem
I gotta stop tellin complete strangers at the bar that they're the godparents to my first born
I thought about puking over the balcony or the bathroom and figured the balcony seemed much funner.
I once puked on the side of the hwy driving home and it somehow made me feel more Canadian. So don't rule it out
she said she wouldn't go home with me until she looked up my name in her sex offender app. do i really give off that vibe?
Yeah. It's not just the beard either.
Can't decide if this guy is hot or if I'm just bored.
Sex is clearly the solution either way.
When you went off to sleep with that guy that looked like a dirty Jesus and I asked why all you had to say "trying to keep Christ in Christmas" and left. The Vatican called, you're going to Hell.
I have his gate key so know he has to see me again.
I think I pulled a muscle in my tongue.
sorry? thank you? I love you?
You told me not to tell you found out you're pregnant..
I'm about to take plan-b with a glass of wine and ramen noodles. I cannot decide who will hurt more...my vagina, my kidneys or my pride.
OMG OMG OMG Ive hit the penis jackpot
It seriously took everything in my power not to sleep with him
What did it come out and serenade you? Lol
It sang to me in the dark. It was magical
Randomize
