I have been standing totally still for the past 6 minutes because I was convinced my foot was tied to the ground. It turns out it was a string of hair strewn across my foot
They were greeting people getting off the 48 with green beers and cheers. The one day I decide not to take the bus home...
In all fairness I did warn the guy I just spray tanned before we had sex so I hold no responsibility for the bronzer all over his sheets
I would call you but I don't feel like these hands belong to me.
Sometimes I love sober logical me. She makes rare appearances but when she does she shines.
I have 39 hot sauces from Chipotle
It's like earning obesity badges
I may have to marry her. She is smarter than me and has a six figure job and doesn't want to have kids. All I have to be is a trophy husband.
I drank, I fought, I made my ancestors proud.
And then someone hit me with a pool cue
I think the cashier could tell I was sad. All I bought was penis shaped food and chocolate
and it's like......my shirt is off and he's talking about quidditch. why.
Thanks. It's every girl's dream, right? To blow a bald marketing consultant 12 years her senior?
we watched a guy take a shot of tequila while riding a unicycle
I realized today that the only things I'm guaranteed to have with me at all times are lipgloss, condoms and a USB drive. hmmm...
What's that? Is there a bottle of Jack calling me? I think so...
I just sent a Slack that autocorrected tomorrow to gonorrhoea. Please note that Slack autocorrect isn’t very good.
Randomize
