Wow so 15 missed calls, a vm AND a text saying come downstairs? ...And where is downstairs? Explain.
Nothing says Happy Thanksgiving like having to pee in a condom for my cousin so that he can pass a drug test.
just heard someone say they saw a guy puke while riding a bike across campus without stopping
You are the patron saint of my drinking problem.
she's a gynecology student. i don't know if my dick's ready for that kind of pressure.
Using his name makes it all too personal. I refuse to get attached to this one. This is all about ass. He doesn't get a name.
Speaking is such a hard concept right now
Her eyebrows were plucked so thin that she had to have gonorrhea. Clean girls just don't pluck that way
Why is there soup literally in every orifice of my body?
You know I ate twenty hot dogs in an hour once.
I am honestly so surprised you are a lesbian.
I WANT PIZZA BUT I ALSO WANT SELF ESTEEM
BUT LIKE WHO AM I TO EVER CARE ABOUT SELF ESTEEM
This is the third year in a row that Mario has fallen through a table on New Years. I'm sensing a tradition developing.
I need to thank someone for this kid's penis.
I want you to know I am at work super hungover and I threw up in the mop sink. I feel like you will appreciate this
You're my fucking hero
I legitimately thought he died. I even called his mom at 3am and told her. Im done with vodka.
Randomize
