How does everyone that never saw me naked know I'm built like a smurf?
the guy i hooked up with is asleep on our couch. please dont fuck him.
not allowed to tweet this cos she's following me but i definitely just got head in a stairwell of the university of chicago. wanted you all to know.
dude i woke up in a pile of chocolate chips. this has to stop happening
her name was charlotte except you kept calling her chatroulette and yelling at her to show you her boobs
You called in. Quitter. You stayed at home naked drinking again didnt you.
Thou shall not celebrate other people's birthdays as if they were thy own
This is the guy I made out with and it made me think of my dad. Let's never talk about it again.
you fail at everything in life besides blacking out
What happened after I vommed in your shirt that I was wearing and threw it out the window on the highway?
This will always be remembered as the Christmas I had 15 Russians sing christmas carols to me at 130am alone in a gas station while I was stoned on pot brownies
I just hope the day something happens to me my phone just dies, like literally died and will never turn on ever again. I feel like God owes me that much.
Made eye contact with his twin sister the day after he gave me a lifechanging blowjob. Do you think she knows?
As I was about to fuck him, he requested a moment of silence for Leonard Nimoy.
I was just told I’m pretty enough to be a catfish. This made me so happy...
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