Solid performance last night. Wanna be fuck buddies?
I dreamt Michael Jackson dropped his pants in front of me and I had to ignore it.
I scissor kicked a one legged man last night.
He was trying to put me in handcuffs.
You have my attention.
Note: footlong is not the password to the subway wi fi network.. p.s- im super high
I'm way too horny to be at work right now. I think it might be legally irresponsible to leave me alone with cucumbers.
Random girl at this party just gave me a lap dance in a la-Z-boy. Night significantly improved.
Some guy stole lobsters by hiding them in his pants. We should strive to be like him.
using the campers leftover pizza money at the bar. Definition of great counselors right here.
Meeting relatives from another state drenched in tequila and smelling of weed. I'm gonna kill you for soaking the only bra I brought in Jose Cuervo Gold.
Should have know they were on something when he started filling a Togo container with fruit
The object of the game was to pour tequila into a sombrero and drink as much as you can before it leaked through, 'Big Papi' won.
But I got head on a boat yesterday which was sweet until a bald eagle flew over. Then it became life affirming.
HE WAS SUPPOSED TO BE THE TROPHY HUSBAND! I WAS GOING TO BE THE SUCCESSFUL ONE!
It's going to turn into you and me throwing down in a devastating lip-synch battle while everyone else stands around awkwardly.
Every text my dad sends me is an AA mantra. Might be time to take a look at my life.
Randomize
