First guy to fuck a girl in the new tool shed. Her underwear is on the shovel hook.
I don't know how to say this, but I think you're a fucking bitch and the sooner you die I'll be happier.
Sorry- wrong number! :)
professor came back from spring break missing a tooth
Does the blue bra belong to your sister or cousin?
Won't anyone wonder why I'm mute, bald, and wearing an eye patch?
Do not deep throat a rocket pop, it WILL go into your lungs, and you may die.
He kissed my hand AND my forehead. I don't think this virginity business is for heartless whores like us.
What am I doing with my life
Sleeping with dudes who have peacocks apparently.
The lady at the Humaine Society gave me her nephew's number because I seem like a loving and caring person.
Does she know that each time you've adopted a new cat in the past year it's because some guy stopped fucking you and you don't want to eat your feelings?
things were going awesome until jimmy put out a cigarette in the everclear.
There was a trampoline and tequila. It was glorious.
I walked into my room last night at 4 am and there's a random dude in his boxers eating oatmeal on my futon. I looked at him and went to bed
Yo this huge scar on my head from the car accident is truly a vag magnet. Probably because I'm telling people I was attacked by a mountain lion and killed it with my bare hands. But hey when life gives you lemons, you use them to get pussy
SORRY FOR THE CAPS. I DIDNT CHANGE IT IN TIME AND ITS TOO FAR TO GO BACK NOW. PS IM SUPER BAKED
Well now I’m in the bathroom puking up absinthe so guess I beat myself up over it one way or the other
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