She told me she only masterbates to Kenny Rogers songs.
OMG. What did u say?
I told her I did too.
How has he not realized you're pregnant?
Spanx.
Everything was going good until she wanted to update her status...You forgot to close pterodactyl porn from this morning. Clothes went back on.
Ok. So I've woke up in a hospital. New thing to top that.... Waking up and realizing you've been locked inside the bar by urself at 430 am and all the doors are locked by key
I really hope jumping jacks prevent pregancy because I'm kind of banking on it right now, do you know why there's a unicycle in the corner of my room?
Him cheating on his girlfriend resulted in a $1500 hospital bill from repeated blows to his testicles by my ass. They diagnosed his pain as "testicle trauma". Sex karma at it's finest.
Went to an open-bar law school party and puked in front of Justice Scalia. My legal career is now complete -- I literally got judged by a U.S. Supreme Court Justice. Can't get any higher than that.
He said he wanted to "superfuck" me
Does he wear a cape??
What would you do if your asshole suddenly made the sound of a sheep duck baa/quacking the words kill me
You are so incredibly one of a kind, it's astounding
Ok. I'm gonna smoke some weed and look at some elephants without you then.
I'm a grown ass woman, I need to get fucked
I'm all about clean living these days
You started your day with fried chicken and a bloody
... after you woke up in your own urine
He just got back from doing field research studying wild chimpanzees in the goddamn jungle. Obviously I fucked him.
we woke up when the front wall of the house caught fire.
You need to go! It’s a midwestern wedding - the single girls out there think life ends at 25 if they don’t have a picket fence and family. That’s when your penis introduces himself
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