In a few years, 50 babies 50 states. Like it?
I swear if she hugs me I'm going to bleach my body
That's when you crack a 10am beer
I think I'd rather ejaculate tabasco. You'd have to scrape out guacamole.
i had a dream last night that my liver tore its self out of my body and ran away.
if by 'bottleservice' you mean 'bringing beers in my purse' then yes, we are.
turkey basters and jungle juice, is that really the whole shopping list for new year's?
how was ur day?
this is strictly sexting don't make small talk.
The bank teller laughed at me....I'm apparently that fucking hungover looking
All I wanted was my $85. Judgement free. But nooooo
Pretending to leave a voicemail when the person answers the phone....that's gotta be drunk dial level 99
do you ever look at a card in your wallet and reminisce about all of the drugs youve done with it?
I told my coworker that I'm going to a dinner party and was asked to bring wine and pregnancy tests and he was like.. I miss being 20
I mean I've only met the girl once and she was trying to slit some guys tires.
long story short, the bouquet was used as a sacrificial torch
she crawled a good forty meters just to whisper in my ear... "dildon't"
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