i'm 85% sure that if you don't visit me i will do something awkward and potentially dangerous to you in your sleep involving chocolate milk and a sham-wow.
he likes ron paul.... that's all i'm going to say....
new hobby: convincing random sorority girls around campus that we hooked up last weekend. i'm 2 for 5.
they ran out of ice so they are using frozen shrimp in their drinks
I'm so proud of your ability to turn my Charlie horse last night into anal sex.
She said I wasn't helping her abandonment issues by not responding to her texts at 4 am
I'm watching i used to be fat. I've been doing crunches for the last half hour yelling at the slut on tv to stop crying and do crunches.
So how many licks to the face does it take to get kicked out of the bar?
I hope my tampon is in his bed. That'll teach him. Happy new years btw
I beat my mom's friend's boyfriend in a vodka chugging competition. Our generation FTW.
And then, I saw the prophecy come to fruition. It was the Dick of Destiny.
We looked in every room for condoms... It was the sexiest scavenger hunt ever.
His dick is so big it could be an arm rest.
Swiping left on your brother's Tinder account is possibly the worst way to learn he broke up with his girlfriend.
Wanna go on a picnic?
... by picnic I mean wanna sit on a blanket and drink with me?
Randomize
