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I just found glass in my funny face pancakes, there's nothing funny about that.
Apple Jack is not a good idea for breakfast. Whiskey can't replace milk.
Dont tell her I prefer to have an aura of mystique surronding me and my penis.
I'm sorry, when did "I like your shit" become an acceptable pickup line?
"Just cut me in half. Then take half of me home. And leave the other half here. Cuz I can't see."
You were drunk enough to sled down a highway off ramp in your pajamas….
I'm dedicating this beer to drunk texting
How the fuck did he think me asking about the possibility of a threesome was a rhetorical question?
Talked to the dude for a hour . I now know where he lives, his occupation, his goals, his dreams and what his dick looks like.
WE ARE DOOMED.
And not the good kind of doomed. Assuming there is one.
it isn't the robot apocalypse that's for sure
IT TOOK ME LIKE AN HOUR TO DO THAT. DO YOU KNOW HOW HARD IT IS FOR ME TO CONCENTRATE ON ONE THING FOR AN ENTIRE HOUR?!
He told me that he wants to fuck me only wearing a princess tiara...How could I possibly say no to that?
I just kept eating and watching him slide down the stairs head first
Sexual side note: sushi and cum do not mix well. That is all.
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