i made the cop pinkie-promise not to arrest me if i failed the breathalizer.
i love that when i tell my kids and grandkids about how we first met it will be about this little thing called a "poke" on facebook
I just got hit on by my highschool french teacher. I need to stop going to this bar.
my debit card account is gonna say movie, movie, ice cream, movie, cheese fries, get a fucking life, movie
the fda needs to get their shit together cause these four loko going away parties are gonna kill me
I'm drinking red wine & feeding anchovies to the dog. I'm really not picky about what kinda of company I'm in.
6 beers and it feels like I've been drinking water... Daiquiri time
the guy sitting next to me at the bar has a patrick swayze tattoo hovering over a roast beef sandwich. 'merica.
Just remember, Dont make worse choices than american flag pants to your own birthday party
If tits could talk, mine would be bragging
If you get that boat I will recruit some boat hoes for you and tape a video and sync it to I'm On A Boat. This is happening.
Mom and dad should be so proud half of their children have gotten naked in the same local grocery store
Appreciate the offer but I'm a huge fan of penis
I wish you could just Google "people I've had sex with" and they would all just come up
danced like there was no tomorrow. surprise. there's a tomorrow
Randomize
