No, I can't hang out with Dave because he already has a girlfriend. The one with the tatoos of cherries on her "cherry." Yeah, she doesn't really make me feel spectacularly comfortable.
is it wrong that i plan on stealing a few pipecleaners from my preschool classroom to clean my bowl?
yeah so our basement was flooded 4 feet. we just smoke and drank and then went swimming. gotta make the best out of it
He soundtracked our prebreakup sex, our breakup, and out postbreakup sex. At least he's dedicated.
Is it physically possible to shit out my own bone marrow? Because if not, then I need to see a doctor immediately.
then you gave the doctors and nurses bloody high fives
I woke him up this morning and said I have a meeting w my advisor in an hour you need to wake up, cum on my face, and take me to my car.
Can I bring some rope too? It's not too early for bondage talk, is it?
I found them. Thank God. Now I'm gonna have to take a Xanax for the panic attack I almost had trying to find my Xanax.
Before he gave me the breathelizer, he told me to "blow like you're blowing your boyfriend". I like him. My tax dollars are well spent
I'm pretty sure that the bartender arranged a marriage for me last night. Sounds like a legit birthday present to me.
literally took my pants off in the middle of bourbon last night without taking off my heels im a super human i guess
Does she know she is talking to people who slam shots of fireball and chase it with vodka?
I'm sorry I crashed your motorcycle and watched you get robbed from a rooftop. Will you please come back or at least drop off my shoes?
Just woke up next to a hungry lesbian and a half eaten croissant on my stomach. Can you come get me?
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