I woke up to a bunch of college seniors jacking off a horse in my face. Geuss who didnt move in time?
I'm officially my mother.. Smoking in the garage pretending to take the dog out in a big ugly jacket
So there is a guy driving a robot around the college of engineering selling energy drinks
I know the scar will be in an obvious place, that's why I'm certain it'll score me cancer blowjobs
He poured the shots. We did them together. I cheersd him out of the shower
Either this is the best sandwich I've ever had, or my stomach is just relieved to have something in it that's not Red Bull or semen.
We need to stop sleeping with people based on which NFL team they like.
All I remember was after sex she kept trying to take pictures of my dick "for memories"
I need to cry about outer space to someone. Can I call you?
Most violent shit of my life. New Years resolution of eating better is already kicking me in the face.
michael burned off one of his eyebrows making a pizza so he had to shave off the other one to make it look even. it doesn't look right, but I'd still bang him.
My mom just told me she would flash her tits to a cop to get me out of jail, and then we high-fived.
i rearranged my furniture so i could masturbate in the sun. how's that for spring cleaning?
It is not a successful senior year unless you show up to campus without pants at least once, right?
Man, that hitchhiker cursed me.
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