new number. flushed my phone last night when i puked, made B help me look for it for 2 hours.
Using what I learned in my global terrorism class last semester to sneak booze onto my cruise. thanks college.
From the prices on this menu it looks like I have no choice. I have to blow him.
remind me again why lemons and alcohol in the crock pot is a bad idea?
I just threw up in the bathroom next to the zebra exhibit. The kids don't know I skipped a beat. Best nanny, ever.
i don't know. but im upstairs in the closet with a burger i found in their fridge
it was really awkward meeting your mom for the first time while i was still wearing the condom we were using.
I'm trying to decide whether it's worth it to masturbate in this gas station bathroom
I drunkenly took 3 laxatives last night since I felt fat.... this is going to be a rough morning
I made a joke about The Hemingway being a really boring sex position where you blandly describe all the action and then kill yourself after you orgasm. He stopped responding. I've GOT to stop talking to everyone like they're you.
what better to celebrate not being pregnant than to eat a bowl full of rum soaked pineapples?
Thursday is not a good day to become a felon... It's bingo night
he told me he liked me . I thought we were just fuck buddies . This ruins everything!
Literally just took 6 shots in the shower..I’ve got this.
I need a significant other who'll eat Skittles from my boobs
Randomize
