i had a dream the other night i was titty fucking you while you were asleep, then you woke up and didn't care.
Wow, you were right... Weed does start conversations
Found a beard hair in my crotch.... care to explain?
Uh yeah. I ate a brick of cheese. Didn't even cut it. We were admiring the teeth marks I was leaving. We decided it was the negative of my mouth
What happens at the gay bar stays at the gay bar. Except that I sold my panties for $100. People should know that.
I think Vodka is my favorite. Everything else ties for second.
took some adderal to make my alochol withdrawl less shitty. now im just concentrating on how badly i need a drink
Do you have any puffy paint? I want to put "fiesta muthafuckas" on my sombrero but its too much to bedazzle.
Have you seen our bachelor? He's MIA. Last seen being led to some hookers by Kanye look-a-like.
He let me finish eating my sandwich while I sat his face. I think I'm in love with this little eager beaver.
If there was a card that said "I'm sorry for throwing up on your bathroom counter" I would send it to you.
All I remember about last st pattys day was I was in a bathtub with full bubbles, fully clothed, drinking out of a flamingo lawn ornament that someone cut a hole in.
I ate so much cake that I can't even enjoy a blowjob
That's the most first world problem I've ever heard in my life.
Weight watchers just said "you've tracked beer three times recently, want to make it one of your favorites?" I'm begining to understand why I needed to go in the first place.
Welcome aboard the S.S. struggle. I'll be your captain for today's voyage and Jeremy is your first mate. Just sit back and relax while we navigate the seas of drunken regret. Your forecast for the day is violently hungover with a chance of "shit, that really did happen!"
Randomize
