you were crying and the really sympathetic homeless man offered you a sip of his whiskey. who was i to stop you?
that's the second time you've been mistaken as a prostitute. maybe life is trying to tell you something
its my fault though, i'm wearing tights
you're hiking in tights? you remind me of dennis quaid's fiance in the parent trap
so hey instead of everyone buying me a birthday present can everyone just pitch in for my abortion?
By the way, thank you for feeding me fries when I was sitting on the floor.
that trick or treat candy bucket that we used to collect beer money last night was very helpful when I vomited in it this morning
I have major gossip for you.
Oh no, did you have sex last night?
If I had sex last night I'd probably post it on facebook. It's been that long and I'd be that excited.
OMG CHARGE YOUR PHONE I NEED TO KNOW IF THIS IS A GOOD PICTURE OF MY ASS
When I wake up, please remind me why my shoe is in the toilet, my shower is filled with jello, and there is a naked girl sleeping on my coffee table holding a bag of Cheetos. that is all.
Right, try not to commit a felony that costs more than 4 dollars cause that's all I have in my bail jar.
Three of my exes and one of my exes' brothers have hit me up and it's only been a week. I hate semester break.
I was chasing moonshine with vodka last night. I'm still not sure how I'm sober right now.
It's a good thing you're straight. You'd make a horrible lesbian.
I'm laughing at the fact that I'm at Target right now buying vitamins and alcohol.
How does the curb feel today?
It's stronger than my elbow. But I found my lighter while I was down there.
Put down the Captain Crunch and get over here. It’s a dickfest!!
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