I'm pouring my heart out in these texts and you're going around showing everyone???
so i saw this homeless guy this morning yelling at a pay phone like chewbacca.
That's what you get for being in filth-adelphia.
Dude, no matter how drunk you are, it's not okay to hug every other guy at a strip club. Mainly because boners are far too common.
even after i explained my bobby knight costume the bartender still kicked me out for throwing the chair
I think the neighbors upstairs are trying for more kids. I want to run up there and yell "mazal tov!"
My mom said she was relieved to see that I'd gained some weight bc she's "always worried" that I might have AIDS.
I'm sitting in class drinking a forty out of a paper bag. No ones said anything yet. I think my professor is trying to ignore me. Better start yelling louder.
you had acid sex with the barista. why is my bucket list your tuesday?
Drunkenly bought a $240 realtor course last night. Apparently even drunk me thinks my future is going nowhere
If I have to give a UPS guy a lap dance, you owe me a drink.
And by pregame I mean drink heavily and watch Russian dash cam car crash vids
We're too hungover to prance.
WTF. I was 99% sure I went straight home last night. I just woke up hugging a chair, and my tux pocket has a flask filled with what I think is red bull and gatorade. This has to be your doing.
Dude on the shuttle bus eating a Butterfinger and watch porn on his phone and doesn’t give a fuck who knows
We need to get on his level
I don't want to go to sleep. I like partying with myself.
Randomize
