i need an iv and a liver transplant
he just ordered a side of pineapple and winked at me. too much for a first date. come get me.
It's one of the many facets of my drunken alter egos. I'm like substance abuse batman.
You know it was a good weekend when; you leave a bi-lingual letter of apology on top of a stack of cash for hotel housekeeping.
nothing says "you're fucked" like watching a movie with the family and a handle of vodka comes crashing down from your hiding spot in the ceiling tiles.
I'm not mad at you for letting me use my air mattress as a toilet, i'm mad at you for letting me lay back down on it.
I don't know if it has occurred to you yet, but you are dating a nymphomaniac, and your work schedule is an interference of my needs being fulfilled. Get home now.
I'm gonna drop in for a zip later man. It made me wanna eat my girls shampoo. Good shit
Escorted out of jimmy johns because I refused to leave with my dog. Stole a loaf of bread on the way out.
Was that you I seen riding on the top of a cab? Way to start the new year
If there was a bread and water delivery truck id make sweet hungover love with it.
I'm gonna take a nap by the fireplace and pretend like I know what day it is.
Its like people have to train for months before they try and drink with us and survive...
Have u seen my vagina and my gorilla costume? Im in need of it.
The police officer that arrested me Friday night just bought me a shot
Randomize
