my phone is set on vibrate and its tucked up in my left front pocket. call me back 20 times real quick.
I really love her but I don't think I can go the rest of my life without anal.
i don't want a singing card. it disturbs my hangover. give me a pack of cigs taped to a bottle of wine and fuck me without a condom. happy vday baby.
His appology was" look at it this way, at least you'll give better head without those teeth.'
You are the worst kind of disappointment. The responsible kind.
Nothing like running into your favorite bartender in the middle of the afternoon while stone cold sober and being told your grabbed his penis the last time you were at his bar. My bad.
I'm trying to convey to the smoking hot Spanish cleaning lady at work that I want to bone her but I think it's getting lost in translation. How do you say "blowjob" in Spanish?
Bro, she used the potato bongs to make French fries after. She's deff a keeper.
Between my sister puke and rallying at the bar and my brother sending a drunk passed out naked pic in which his dick was exposed, I don't know which sibling to be more proud of this weekend.
I made a side by side comparison of her Facebook pic and the chick on the anti meth billboards. Plus a ven diagram showing mostly shared physical attributes. I sent u the PowerPoint. You were sufficiently warned.
my cat just photo bombed my nudie.. does this qualify me as a cat lady?
I woke up on my girls floor with a pound of muenster cheese in my shirt pocket
I'm debating a nap but also debating breaking into the liquor cabinet
A guy I hooked up with YEARS ago just endorsed me on LinkedIn for "customer service".
Omg I joined a choir last night...
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