8am blowjobs give a whole new meaning to morning breath..
filled out health questionnaire for lower premiums a little bit too honestly. Literally got assigned a life coach.
I only get commercials for vodka and Rogaine now. You're exactly right, Hulu. That's exactly right.
I defriended her. I just can't support someone whose profile picture is of their water birth.
I found your doppelganger. same hair, eyes, personality, catch phrases, and penis. it was mind-boggeling.
He said I showed up in just my underwear and a bunch of towels I stole from the party I was at.
Happy Birhtday!
Dad, it's 3am and it's not my birthday... wherever you are, go home
I feel like parents watching our children. You want to step in and help them but you just have to let them make their mistakes
Dicks are so weird. He has kind of a feminine comforter in the background.
That's not fair! You can't come over after you just had sex and rub my dry spell in my face!
my roommate would be appalled if she knew how many times i've peed in the kitchen sink
Dude she's from Moscow. I feel like I'm cheating on America.
I called you last night? What did I say??
That you love me forever and that I'm the greatest in the world now mohammed ali is dead...
When dealing with embarassing medical issues, don't you want your brother's wife to be the one fishing around up your ass?
I drank a fishbowl of liquor and next thing I know I'm sliding into Zach Galifinakis' DMs
Randomize
