Why are you such a perv today?
This is a lot to handle
Oh shh
I'm kidding you prude take a joke
Tonight was fucked up. First my mom called me and told me I had to go to the bar to pick up my dad 'cause he was drunk. Then when I got there my dad was doing a body shot from this lady who happened to be my 1st grade teacher. By far the most awkward car ride home. Idk if I should tell my mom or not.
Just used my last prints at the library for brackets instead of final reviews. Hello March.
#1 RULE OF DRINKING: DELETE YOUR EX'S NUMBER FROM YOUR PHONE
I feel like my uterus is decaying in my body
It's that time of the week again where I begin to ponder life's great questions like, "What will my pathetic excuse for a future look like?" and "Why tacos?"
Yes, I have your ice luge mold. I'll do a prisoner exchange for the beer bong
That was when I yelled "Wisconsin powers activate!" and took off sprinting across the ice
I'm hoping the sedatives kick in before I drunkenly decide to eat this whole cheesecake.
I apparently asked the cab driver to show us his dick and then he showed me a picture of his girlfriend
just licked whipped cream off some model's nipple... just coming clean for when the pic gets on instagram because i am not untagging that shit
you missed a good time last night.
you texted me at 10 telling me to come fuck you, that says enough.
I'm about to go get lunchables and alcohol. Take that adulthood
I've struck affair-gold. He's hot, he's ripped, he doesn't want a relationship, and most importantly he won't have to ask Gods permission to bang me like the last religious nut job did.
And I mentioned the burning debate about your circumcision in my Christmas card to your mom.
Randomize
