The greatest thing of my life happened today. I took a shit and it formed a smiley face. It's going to be a fucking fantastic day.
You kept shouting "Relax and take notes" every time before you would hit the blunt
No need to clean the puke on the driveway. The squirrel is eating it up.
And we hooked up in the carwash. I told you our creative juices were flowing today.
Dude, jerking off when you're all hopped up on pre workout energy supplements has got to be the greatest thing I've ever done.
I have decided that today will be all about indulgence and hedonism.
Then he started caressing my eye brow. Like repetedly. For at least 15 minutes. It was strangely mesmerizing
Sangria Sundays can't keep happening. Even my second grade students know I'm hungover. Benji even gave me his oreos its that bad
You know, I think when I have a lot of free time, thats when I pick up odd lovers. Maybe keeping busy is key to not using my vagina
You would think a husband, a boyfriend, and a vibrator would be enough. But sadly it's not
Well, we ended up labeling the relationship. We are now each other's designated butt-toucher.
You ate ashes out of my bong
My manager caught me going taking a nap in an empty room. Apparently she sleeps there too.
I. Love. Skype. Sex.
I think it's just been too long since actual dick has been inside you that you only THINK you love skype sex
I mean, who hasn’t been fingered in there back of an Uber?
Randomize
