hey this is lauren, i have to type for jon because he's convinced the tongs he's holding are his real hands
i study at coffee shops because all these damn artsy people motivate me to work towards a real job.
i had a dream that i had so much marijuana that i didn't know what to do with it. i woke up and cried.
I didn't take her seriously until she snorted that ramen noodle flavor packet...
I'll start choreographing the sperm rain dance now
I told him he was probably the first guy to get fucked while wearing Star Wars pyjamas.
Thank you for not boning my boss.
Reunion weekend was a success. Had 3 ex's inside my vag. Hat trick!
So I just went to 3 different stores because there is no way I can walk out of one store with this many reeses and still have my pride.
Just chugged a Bloody Mary in 60 seconds flat. New personal best! Happy Sunday!
Can I tell you that I just incorporated the spice girls in my sexting and you not judge me
I literally just force feed a guy flintstone vitamins after sex
I left when you were using your mug to lay on the street and ask for spare change
Would it be playing god to put spaghetti on my pizza?
When you're done railing that chick, there is still half a pizza and some ninja turtle mac and cheese down here if you want
Randomize
