You admitted to me in secrecy that you want to jerk off a unicorn.
How far into the semester do we have to be before it's ok to get drunk in between classes again?
Idk how she did it. Either she watches freakier porn than I do, or I really need to go get tested.
Okay well someone asked "IS HE HOMELESS?" about me so I need to try and find somebody.
I sat in the bathroom on the counter and gave out advice to all the random people that walked in
i probably shouldve stopped when i uncurled the curly straw in my cocktail because it was slowing me down
hahahaha what do we need the kangaroos for? please tell me we release them instead of doves
Brett got me a cake with a pic of me shitting
She deliberately backed into the homewrecker's whoremobile and yelled ""FOR SPARTA!"
I am going to paint butt plugs like little Christmas trees and give them as gifts.
You could paint cock rings as wreaths.
I still blew him because I won't let allergies keep me from doing what I want. But I almost suffocated like 10 times.
It's really life affirming to be at a wedding thinking wow I took your husbands virginity
He'd never survive you. Is there a boot camp for pre-heather training?
worse hangover than the time you almost threw up in a plant in front of your daycare kids?
...I don't remember telling you about that but yes
When I woke up this morning I swear my mouth tasted like dick and rolaids.
Randomize
