I envy your ability to put any word in front o the word beer and make drinking before 5 sound like a socially sanctioned event.
I don't know what's more pathetic, the fact that you dated him or the fact that it took a Taylor Swift song for you to break up with him.
all i remember of last night is that i was drinking jameson and then NOTHING i do remember walking a dog though\nwhich is sooo fucking weird
OH MY GOD ITS COMING BACK I PUT THE DOG IN THE HOTTUB TOO
dude, i warned you that using a card to pay for my hotel room was a bad idea. You deserve the extra $600 in cleaning fees
Thankfully US customs doesnt have a checkbox for bringing semen into the country because my hair would still be in CDC quarantine
i forgot to brush my teeth before I went over so i went to the bathroom and started eating his toothpaste. we're still in the early stages of fuckdom
If you ever insult pizza rolls again, I will dragon kick you in the throat
I think id rather titty fuck an A cup than deal with what happened tonight again. shits depressing
My ass is underappreciated
Come camping we have xanax and steaks
So my family just woke up on Easter morning and shared a bowl. That's bonding😊
I'm not sure if I should pay him or he should pay me, but someone should get paid for the sex I had this morning.
Thanks for duct tapping my dick to my leg while I was passed out. I could only aim straight down. I stood on your bed. Have a nice day at work!
Ever find a porn video so groundbreaking you mentally cancel all your Dick Appointments for the week?
That married penis I’ve been riding offered to pay off my student loans. I was going to break it off because he has lousy stamina. Is being debt free worth putting up with mediocre sex?
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